Unwinding

Relaxing after the diagnosis

So, it has been a strange old week.  I spent the first half of it thinking I have cancer and taking it easy and the second half of the week wondering what on earth has just happened to me.  It has taken a while to start the unwinding process.  On Thursday, even though there were loads of tears, I wasn't actually happy, more numb!  Friday morning at school, everyone was happy for me and once again I couldn't feel it.  In fact, I messaged Mandy and asked her to come round as she would know how I was feeling.  Thank God for Mandy - she put me at my ease - she said that she was exactly the same, she didn't really react when she got the all clear either, and she got hers in hospital about 2 days after her op.  She said that it took years for her to properly get over it.  When she left I felt soooooo much better.

She did tell me to book an appointment with Dr Morgan though asap so I could talk it over with her and get the answers to all my questions.  I did try - the surgery told me that the first available appointment with her was the end of June!!!!!  She told me that she had put on my notes that if I was to call that I was to be found an appointment with her - they said those notes didn't exist.  What is it with Dr's receptionists?  I was about to start crying down the phone, in the hope that would work when she said she would let Dr Morgan know I called and then leave it up to her whether to call me back or not.  I'm pretty sure as soon as she sees I've called she will call me back - let's hope so.  I have so many questions to ask - but the most pressing ones are about my toilet activities because they certainly aren't normal.  I did mention this to the Dr at Preston but she wasn't interested, as long as I was doing them she was happy, but I'm not happy with how they are occurring.  I spend most days feeling like I'm desperate for a wee when I'm not and the other activity is an all body event, very painful, so much so I feel sick and I'm eating as much fibre as I can!

Friday night tea in The Old Post Office

I have started drinking again in the evening and this is helping, I am feeling a lot more relaxed and am now happy rather than numb.  On Thursday night I managed 3 hours sleep, Friday night 5 hours sleep and Saturday night 7 hours sleep so I guess that in itself is testament to me unwinding.  Also my mindset has switched I now feel I have my body back.  It feels like my body has belonged to doctors etc for the last month, examining me in very private parts, do this, don't do that, take these drugs, drink this, lie flat, don't eat, eat for hunger only, bed rest etc etc, they've cut me open, taken lots of bits out, caused me a lot of pain - and I let them, all in blind faith that they were doing the right thing.  It is almost as if I was a caretaker but they owned it.  I was good in that I took on board all the advice, but I was out of control, others were in control.  As of Thursday, I feel like I've been given control back.  If I want to go for a long walk I will, if I want to drink I will, if I want to go out I will.  I'm not ill.  In fact I never was ill, I was made to feel that I was ill, but I wasn't!

Captain for the day

My appetite is still pretty bad.  Put simply, I'm never hungry and have no interest in food at all.  I am eating because I know I have to, but I don't get any enjoyment from it.  Sometimes I get pain in my stomach when I eat, but sometimes I don't.  I think Matt is beginning to worry (I know I would worry if it was reversed).  It is very strange.  I have spent most of my life obsessing about food, always thinking about the next meal, conjuring up meals in my head, snacking here and there, wishing I could cut down, and now I will walk into a supermarket, look at all my favourite things and be completely uninspired by it all and walk out empty handed.

The weather has helped to lift my mood too.  We have had sunshine all week, and it has got warmer and warmer every day to the extent that we are all in shorts and T-shirts today.  Friday I did the Storrs Common Walk and then went to see Susan and the girls in the afternoon - mainly to keep myself occupied.  It was a lovely afternoon.  Pat and Bob came round in the evening and we headed to the Old Post Office for teatime platters.

Waiting for the film. Charlotte, Caitlin and Tom

Saturday we had a very busy day.  Tom had his last football session - was a match vs Embsay.  He wasn't in the first team this time, I'm not surprised, he has missed a lot of practice sessions and some of the other boys have developed much more.  When he did get his match, he was made captain, but unfortunately he didn't step up to the mark, not sure what happened but he didn't have a fire in his belly to win the match and sort of left most of the play up to everyone else.  It was a bit of a disappointing end to what has been a fab season at the club, however the other players made up for it and to be honest it was good fun to watch them all playing their hearts out.

After football we travelled straight to Lancaster as we were meeting with the Ellershaws for a session of Ghibli films at The Dukes.  They were showing Laputa - Castle in the Sky today.  We got to Lancaster very quickly so were able to go to The Sun for lunch.  This is one of our favourite Lancaster pubs for food, but we were shocked to see how much the menu items cost.  With me not eating much we were wondering what would be best to do when we noticed that they do deli platter boards so we ordered one of those between the three of us which worked well. (Basically yesterday's tea again for lunch!)

Awards night

We then went to Duke's met up with the Ellershaws and watched the film.  I didn't realise how long it was - a good two hours, I was getting shooting pains up and down my stomach towards the end of it.  I was wondering whether to go for a walk or stay and hope the film ended soon / they would go away.  In the end I stayed, but it was a relief when it ended.

We came home, I went straight for a lie down - my tummy had it's own pulse by then!  Tonight was the Craven Wanderers Presentation Night, so at 6.30 we all headed down to the Community Centre for that.  It was a good night out - but boy did it go on and on and on and boy were people rude in that they were talking over the presenters etc.

It was a proper good night!

Unfortunately the children did get bored and loose interest after a while.  However, you could clearly see the passion from the volunteers, which was great.  Tom got a player award but nothing else - we didn't expect him too - too many others in his team have more passion and fire in their belly for it than him, and also he has missed quite a few training sessions due to holidays, trips away etc etc.  We got a table with the Bickerstaffs and enjoyed the chit chat and drinks.  Very glad they were there as we don't really 'know' many of the other football families (none of Tom's school friends play football for Craven).  Tom had a great time, once Jack and Seth turned up, he went playing with them and we never saw him again.  Dinner was pie and peas - Matt and Tom hoovered it up (intact Matt had two helpings) but I really didn't fancy it.  In the end I was dispatched home to rescue the bread (long story) so had some cheese and biscuits before heading back to the Centre.  Don't think we got home until about 10.30.  Tom and us went to bed at the same time - which is highly unusual!

Scar week 4

Sunday we had a lazy morning.  My tummy was hurting more than usual (from the cinema yesterday I think) so I had a lay down, whilst Tom played cricket and Matt moaned about wrapping birthday presents.  We then had a small lunch and headed to the tip in Settle to dump the Christmas tree (yes a little late we know!) and get some stuff in for a BBQ for the evening - it was such a lovely day.  We then came home and did the Storrs Common walk (well Matt and I walked it and Tom did it on his bike).  We had a lazy rest of the afternoon at home enjoying the sun.  Graham and Isabella turned up for the BBQ around 4.30 and the rest of the day was spent watching Tom and Bella play, drinking and eating.  I actually managed a decent meal for the first time and almost a whole bottle of wine!  Anyway it was a lovely evening, just what we needed.

Oh and here's my scar this week.  It is actually hurting a lot more today than it has in the past - but I guess it will calm down again at some stage.